Setting Boundaries Without the Guilt Trip

For those of us who are natural-born people-pleasers, boundaries can feel like a foreign language. Here are some tips I’ve tried on creating them without the accompanying guilt spiral:

Recognize that “no” is a complete sentence: You don’t always need an elaborate explanation or excuse. Sometimes a simple “I can’t take that on right now” is just fine. The world no termina, I promise!

Start with low-stakes practice: Choose situations with people you feel safe with or in contexts where the consequences feel manageable. It’s like building a muscle – you don’t start with the heaviest weights!

Watch for boundary blurry zones: Notice where your boundaries consistently get fuzzy. Is it with certain people? Particular requests? Specific times of day? Identifying patterns helps you prepare your responses in advance.

Reframe the narrative: Instead of thinking “I’m saying no to them,” try “I’m saying yes to my wellbeing.” Because honestamente, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Recuerda: Every time you honor your own boundaries, you’re teaching others how to treat you.

A boundary I have been STRUGGLING with for years, is family boundaries…

Five years ago, I moved back to Chicago and stayed with my parents temporarily while I got settled. Seemed practical at the time, verdad (especially during pandemic)? But what started as a helpful transition quickly blurred all the healthy adult boundaries I thought I had established.

My parents got overly involved in my relationship, offering unsolicited opinions about everything from how we managed our routines to what we were eating. It became overwhelming to the point where I was constantly unhappy and stressed in my own home.

So what did I do? I bought my own place! Problem solved, right? Pues no. Despite living independently (though only a 7-minute drive away), they began treating my home as an extension of theirs. They’d drop by unannounced, question why I hadn’t cleaned a certain way, or ask why I was “wasting money” on things they deemed unnecessary 😬

And here’s my confession: instead of establishing clear boundaries, I took the path of least resistance. I started lying. “Sorry, I’m out with friends” became my go-to response when I just needed alone time. Saying I had plans was somehow easier than saying “I just need some space today” because that answer was never quite “good enough” for them to respect.

Now I find myself in this cycle where I avoid their calls and texts because I feel guilty about the lies, which only makes me feel worse because I love them. They’re my parents after all, and I know it all comes from a place of love.  However, the thought of directly saying “no” feels impossible right now. Especially because I don’t want to hurt their feelings… but I’m also exhausted from constantly justifying how I choose to live my adult life.

All to say, I definitely don’t have this one figured out yet. Not even close!  I’ve made some small strides, and I think we’ve gotten to a better place, but definitely room for improvement on both sides. This is one of those things I think will be perfectly in progress for a while.