The Art of Putting Yourself First (Without the Guilt Trip)
Let me guess: you’re the person everyone comes to when they need help, advice, or someone to listen. You’re the one who remembers birthdays, checks in on friends going through tough times, and somehow always ends up organizing group plans. You give thoughtful gifts, respond to texts promptly, and probably have “people-pleaser” somewhere in your personality description.
But when was the last time you put yourself first without feeling guilty about it?
If you’re like most women—especially women of color, eldest daughters, or first-generation professionals—the idea of prioritizing yourself can feel almost forbidden. We’re taught early that taking care of others comes first. Siempre first. But here’s what I’ve learned: putting yourself first isn’t selfish. It’s revolutionary.
And more importantly, it’s learnable.
Why Self-Prioritization Feels So Hard
Before we dive into the how-to, let’s acknowledge why this is particularly challenging for certain communities and family dynamics.
Many of us grew up in families where self-sacrifice was considered virtuous. Maybe you were the eldest daughter who helped raise your siblings, or the first in your family to go to college and felt pressure to “represent” your community. Perhaps you work in spaces where you’re often the only person who looks like you, making you feel like you can’t afford to seem “difficult” or “high-maintenance.”
These aren’t just personal hang-ups—they’re survival strategies that served us at one point. The problem is when these strategies become so automatic that we lose touch with our own needs entirely.
I see this all the time with ambitious women in corporate spaces: they’ll work through lunch, stay late to help colleagues, and say yes to every networking event while running on fumes. They’ll spend weekends helping family members with their problems while their own goals sit on the back burner.
The cost? Burnout, resentment, and the strange feeling that even when you’re successful by external measures, something important is missing.
Reframing “Selfish” as “Self-Full”
Here’s the mindset shift that changed everything for me: when you take care of yourself first, you’re not taking away from others—you’re ensuring you have something meaningful to give.
Think about flight attendants telling you to put on your own oxygen mask first. There’s profound wisdom there. You can’t pour from an empty cup, but somehow we keep trying to do exactly that.
When you prioritize yourself, you’re modeling healthy behavior for the people you love. You’re showing them that their needs matter too, and that self-care isn’t something you earn after you’ve taken care of everyone else—it’s the foundation that makes everything else possible.
This isn’t about becoming selfish or uncaring. It’s about becoming self-full—so grounded in your own well-being that you can show up as the best version of yourself in all your relationships.
The Complete Guide to Putting Yourself First
Start with Small, Non-Negotiable Moments
The key to sustainable self-prioritization is starting smaller than you think you need to. Don’t try to overhaul your entire life overnight—begin with moments so tiny they feel almost silly to protect.
Block 15 minutes each day that belong only to you. Maybe it’s morning coffee in silence, a quick walk around the block, or just sitting in your car before entering the house after work. The activity itself matters less than the fact that this time is yours and yours alone.
Treat this time like you would a meeting with your boss. Put it in your calendar. Set boundaries around it. Don’t let other people’s “urgent” needs encroach on it unless there’s a genuine emergency.
Start with activities that feel naturally nourishing. If meditation feels forced, don’t start there. Maybe you’re someone who finds peace in organizing a drawer, dancing to one song, or calling a friend who makes you laugh. Honor what actually restores you, not what you think should restore you.
Practice the Revolutionary Art of “Let Me Think About It”
One of the biggest obstacles to self-prioritization is our habit of saying “yes” before we’ve even considered whether we want to or can handle what’s being asked of us.
Make “let me check and get back to you” your default response. This simple phrase buys you time to check in with yourself, look at your actual capacity, and make a decision that aligns with your well-being rather than your people-pleasing reflexes.
Create a decision-making framework. Before saying yes to any request, ask yourself:
- Do I actually want to do this?
- Do I have the time/energy/emotional bandwidth?
- Will this align with my priorities or take away from them?
- Am I saying yes out of guilt or genuine desire?
Remember that “no” to one thing is “yes” to something else. When you decline a social event you’re not excited about, you’re saying yes to rest, to time with your partner, or to working on that project you’ve been putting off. Frame it as a choice toward something you value, not just a rejection.
Navigate Family and Cultural Expectations
This is where self-prioritization gets particularly complex for many of us. How do you put yourself first when your family expects you to be available for every crisis, celebration, and Sunday dinner?
Start with loving communication. Instead of suddenly becoming unavailable, have conversations about your needs. “I love spending time with the family, and I also need some weekends to recharge so I can show up better when we’re together.”
Offer alternatives when possible. Maybe you can’t host the family gathering this month, but you could bring dessert if someone else hosts. Maybe you can’t talk on the phone every day, but you could schedule a longer weekly call.
Set information boundaries. You don’t have to share every detail of your life or justify every decision. “I’m taking some time to focus on my health/career/relationship” is a complete explanation.
Remember your why. When guilt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re not abandoning your values—you’re making sure you can live them sustainably. You can’t be there for your family long-term if you burn out from never prioritizing yourself.
Address the Inner Critic
Even when you start putting yourself first, that internal voice will probably have opinions about it. Here’s how to work with the guilt and resistance:
Recognize that guilt isn’t always accurate information. Sometimes guilt is just old programming trying to keep you “safe” by maintaining familiar patterns, even when those patterns no longer serve you.
Ask yourself: “What would I tell my best friend in this situation?” Often we give ourselves much harsher advice than we’d give someone we love. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d show a friend struggling with similar challenges.
Notice the stories you tell yourself. Do you believe that your worth depends on how much you do for others? That taking time for yourself makes you lazy or selfish? These beliefs aren’t facts—they’re learned patterns that can be examined and changed.
Practice self-compassion. Learning to prioritize yourself is like learning any new skill. You’re going to be awkward at first, feel guilty sometimes, and make mistakes. That’s part of the process, not evidence that you’re doing it wrong.
Practical Self-Prioritization in Different Life Areas
At Work
- Take your lunch break away from your desk, even if it’s just 20 minutes
- Stop checking emails outside work hours (or at least set specific boundaries around when you’re available)
- Speak up about your workload before you’re overwhelmed, not after you’re already drowning
- Use your vacation days without feeling guilty about the work that will pile up
In Relationships
- Ask for what you need directly instead of hoping others will guess
- Stop automatically saying yes to every social invitation—choose events you actually want to attend
- Communicate your energy levels honestly instead of forcing yourself to be “on” all the time
- Set boundaries around emotional labor—you don’t have to be everyone’s therapist
With Family
- Create physical space for yourself in your living environment, even if it’s just a corner that’s entirely yours
- Limit discussions about topics that consistently drain or stress you
- Choose which family traditions serve you and which ones you can modify or skip
- Practice saying “I need to think about that” when asked to take on family responsibilities
For Your Health
- Schedule medical appointments without feeling guilty about taking time off work
- Move your body in ways that feel good rather than punishing exercise routines
- Eat foods that nourish you instead of whatever’s convenient or what others want
- Protect your sleep like the non-negotiable necessity it is
Building Your Personal Self-Prioritization Practice
Week 1: Awareness Building
Pay attention to when you automatically put others’ needs before your own. Don’t try to change anything yet—just notice the patterns. Where do you consistently abandon yourself? With whom? In what situations?
Week 2: Tiny Experiments
Choose one small way to prioritize yourself daily. Maybe it’s taking five minutes before checking your phone in the morning, or saying “let me get back to you” before agreeing to plans.
Week 3: Boundary Practice
Identify one boundary you’ve been wanting to set and practice it consistently for the week. Notice what resistance comes up—both from yourself and others.
Week 4: Integration and Expansion
Reflect on what felt sustainable and what didn’t. What would you like to keep, adjust, or try next? Remember, this is a practice that evolves with you, not a destination you reach.
What Changes When You Put Yourself First
Here’s what I’ve noticed in my own life and in the lives of women who’ve embraced this practice:
You become more present in your relationships because you’re not resentful about constantly giving without receiving.
You make better decisions because you’re connected to what you actually want rather than just reacting to others’ expectations.
You model healthy behavior for the people you love, especially if you have children, younger siblings, or mentees watching how you navigate life.
You discover parts of yourself that got buried under all the caretaking and people-pleasing.
You show up more authentically because you’re not constantly performing the version of yourself you think others need.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Prioritization
When you start putting yourself first, something beautiful happens: you give others permission to do the same. The friend who’s always exhausted sees you setting boundaries and starts setting her own. Your family members begin taking better care of themselves because they see it’s possible.
This isn’t about becoming self-centered or uncaring—it’s about becoming a person who understands that self-care isn’t selfish, it’s sustainable. And sustainability is what allows you to show up for the people and causes you care about for the long haul.
Your well-being matters. Not just because it serves others (though it does), but because you matter. Your dreams, your rest, your joy, your peace—these things have value simply because they’re yours.
Ready to Start Your Self-Prioritization Journey?
This week, I challenge you to identify one area where you consistently put others’ needs before your own. Choose the smallest possible change you could make—something so tiny it feels almost too easy.
Maybe it’s taking ten minutes to eat breakfast sitting down instead of rushing out the door. Maybe it’s saying “I need to check my calendar” before agreeing to help with something. Maybe it’s going to bed when you’re tired instead of staying up to accommodate someone else’s schedule.
Start there. Notice how it feels. Notice what resistance comes up, both internally and from others. And remember: every time you choose yourself, you’re not being selfish—you’re being wise.
The world needs women who are rested, fulfilled, and connected to their own power. The world needs you to put yourself first.
Want Personal Stories and Deeper Community Support?
In my weekly newsletter Perfectamente in Progress, I share the honest, messy stories behind my own self-prioritization journey—including the guilt, the family resistance, and the small victories that add up to big changes.
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Remember: You’re not asking for too much when you ask for what you need. You’re asking for exactly enough.
